Edward In Wonderland
by Chris Bok Choy
Summary: As Edward lounges on a grassy hill in Resembol, he meets a Caterpillar that convinces him to get high on a hookah. All of a sudden, Ed finds himself in a weird world where everything doesn't make sense! Can Edward escape this wacky place! Note: Has Envy
1. Chapter 1: Hookah Highness

Kai: Hehe...i've been reading "Heart no Kuni no Alice" too much, and now i've been suddenly inspired to make an Alice in Wonderland based fanfic for FMA. This is a crossover, and our first one too.

Yui: I think it's a stupid idea.

Kai: But imagine Envy as the Cheshire Cat!

Yui: Ah, Uh...AWWWWWWWW! fine. Edward in Wonderland it is.

Kai: We have a "Cat person" fetish.

Yui: That we do! We are a pair of perfectly normal fan people who like cat people! Anyone got a problem with that?

~STORY START~

Edward yawned, lounging on the green, soft grass on a hill. The sky was a bright blue, with just a little bit of cloud cover, creating the perfect sky to look at. The sun was blindingly bright, but the shade of a tree allowed him to stare at the sky and keep his vision.

Alphonse was with Winry, picking out clothes for the yearly "Dance on the Green" in Resembol, a lively dance around a bonfire where laughter and fun was had for hours into the night, often ending with a satisfied collapse into bed. This year he looked forward to it because he got to dance with Winry, and he had to admit, she was looking beautiful lately. Maybe it was just the surge of hormones that came naturally with age, but he had been taken with an urge to take her by the wrist and go somewhere secret and just make out. He knew that he let her pick his clothes, and he knew that he'd probably totally disagree with her choice, but put it on just to satisfy her.

A cool breeze began blowing, making his braid blow out just a little. He was sleepy, spending most of the previous night learning how to dance from Winry. Pinanko knew about the dance lesson at night, she didn't know when he collapsed on the couch and she got on top and they sucked face with each other. That's probably why he'd been wondering during every moment of the day "When will it happen next?"

Closing his eyes, feeling the breeze blow over his face, teasing his hair, he allowed himself to doze off. He slept soundly for a while, an then...

"Hmph, another one of you pitiful humans."

Edward opened his eyes to see a large caterpillar sitting on a mushroom, smoking a hookah. The caterpillar's expression was one of annoyance. "I keep running into you fools here and there, it's just so...irritating..."

Ed sat up, wondering why a caterpillar was talking.

"You want to know when she'll kiss you again? What a loser." the caterpillar snorted. "My name is Carter Pillar, and I am a dream dealer. I give you your deepest desire, in exchange that you smoke this hookah." The caterpillar, Carter, held it out. "You want her to kiss you and love you right? Well, at the present, she doesn't like you. She likes your brother."

"What?" Ed exclaimed, not believing what he heard.

"It's true." Carter remarked as if he actually felt sorry for Edward. "But... I can change that. All you gotta do is smoke this."

Edward reached out for it. He wanted Winry to be his. Sure, he would have been happy for Al if they got married, but... he loved her. Hesitating before sticking it in his mouth (pun intended) he tried to see anything bad about this. The worst that could happen was that he got addicted to it, or that he got sick. He put it in and sucked (again, pun intended).

A swirling maelstrom of color exploded in his eyes, causing him to pass out. The last thoughts that he had were "Whoa, what was in there?" and "Am i high?"

"Hey! Wake up!"

Edward's eyes opened to find a white rabbit staring at him intently. Dressed in a little red plaid suit with black dress pants. A pocket watch, the kind on a chain, hung around his neck and over his arm like a bandolier.

Wait a second. Was the rabbit wearing clothes?

The rabbit came over and poked him the face repeatedly. "Hey! Time for you to chase the rabbit now! Up up up!"

Edward wanted to just ignore it, just pretend like it didn't exist, but it kept poking him. Eventually, he just slapped it away. "Go away...mmpphhh..."

The rabbit seemed just plain annoyed. Edward closed his eyes again, just wanting to rest. Perhaps it gave up...

Suddenly, Edward found himself slung over someone's shoulder, and being taken somewhere. His eyes shot open.

"Hey! What the hell?" Edward shouted, just to be interrupted by the person, who Edward realized had, had...

Rabbit ears?

"Please don't yell into my ear sir, it hurts me from my head to my fur." The person said. He wore the same as the rabbit, but he had white hair and rabbit ears and round little glasses...

Oh. My. God. Was he high on something? He was seeing people with animal ears? Great God, what the hell?

"Where are you taking me?" Edward shouted, totally ignoring the rabbit/man's protests and twitches.

"Calm down would you? You see once that hole we go through!" The rabbit/man replied.

Edward paled. "Wait, what hole?"

"That one." and with a heave, the rabbit/man hurled Edward through the air, and into a large, deep hole.

" YYYYYOOOOOOOUUUUU LLLLLIIIITTTTLLLLEEE!"

"Ahahahaha! Don't worry my little Edward! I'll being jumping in onward!" Ed blacked out, not believing what was happening.


	2. Chapter 2: Twins and Golden Bunny Ears

Kai: Another boring day of life. Oh wait, i has FANFICTION! YAYY!

Yui: Weirdo.

Kai:Fandom does that to you.

Yui: Like what?

Kai: Like how you sing Anime theme songs in the shower. 0.0

Yui: I-I-...What the hell HOW DO YOU KNOW?

Kai: Because every morning i sit outside the bathroom waiting for you to finish your half-hour showers.

Yui: Oh, yeah...so? At least I'm not on the computer every damn second.

Kai: Like you are?

Yui: Shut up. At least i don't print out paper dolls of anime characters!

Kai: At least I don't spend hundreds of dollars buying anime series from itunes!

Yui: At least i don't have a bookcase full of manga!

Kai: At least I'm not constantly typing FANFICTION!

Yui: YOU ARE YOU DUMBASS!

Kai: Oh yeah...

Yui: At least I'm not obsessed with DOMO!

Kai: What does that have to do with anything?

STORY START

Edward felt himself falling. He saw picture frames of people who looked like the bastard who threw him here, and he saw shelves with little bottles of mysterious contents. He saw clocks, and boxes and all sorts of devices, like scales and balances.

And he saw the little son of a bitch who brought him here.

"Oh dear, my little Edward, please look down instead of Upward!" He called to him from above.

Edward looked down, but he did just too late. Slamming into the ground, the sheer force of the impact radiated through his body, and he blacked out.

When he came to, he found himself in a grassy meadow, with trees that had roses on them. Ed knew roses didn't grow on trees, but then again, he WAS high.

And he saw that bastard skipping merrily through the meadow like a gay person. Or maybe he was?

"Oh my dear Ed you've awakened! You do seem quite shaken!" The white rabbit man called out from across the meadow. He was answered by Edward hurling a rock at him. It missed by a lot. Edward blamed his highness. But suddenly, he felt dizzy and leaned back against the rose tree he was under. He saw the (gay) rabbit man, Peter, waltz of somewheres. He closed his eyes and slept.

When he awoke, he felt waaaay better. But he was still in this horrible place. He got up.

Afraid of the psychos living here, Edward decided to make a weapon before heading off to explore this hell-hole. Finding a long straight branch, he wielded it like a quarterstaff. Walking through the tall grass of the meadow, he came upon a path. Following it, he arrived at a tall gate and wall. Deciding that since it seemed like a place where sane people lived, he pulled on the cord of the bell.

"Heyy!" a voice called out. Two gatekeepers, who probably were twins, wearing matching uniforms of opposite colors (red and blue) with poleaxes appeared out of nowhere. "What are you doing here?"

"Uh, i just wanted to ask for some help." Edward explained. He noticed the handguns at the twins belts.

"Help? Does boss like to give out help brother?" asked one of the twins. "Not exactly" replied the other brother. They both began laughing. But then they stopped and with incredible speed, brought the blades of the poleaxes within inches of his face. Drawing back, Edward held his stick up in a combat stance.

"Hey!" Edward exclaimed. "I just want some-" but he was cut off by the twins simultaneously slashing at him. Dodging back, Edward managed to avoid injury, but his stick was cut into three 2 foot lengths. Quite useless.

"Sorry little short blondie" said one of the twins with an adorable smile on his face. "Boss said he has to cut down anybody who comes here. You look like a nice guy, but we don't like bondie people."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT ME BEING SHORT?" Edward yelled. Leaping up and kneeing one of the twins in the face, he grabbed the poleax and blocked a blow from the other twin. Sweeping the twins legs from underneath him, Edward dropped the ax and pummeled the twins with his fists, yelling "IM NOT SHORT!" at the top of his lungs all the while.

Suddenly, a gunshot rang out. A man wearing clothes one would find on a privateer from the golden age of piracy wielding an old flint lock pistol with blond hair strode into view. Ed thought he was hallucinating again when he saw the yellow rabbit ears poking out from the hair.

"Well what do we got here? You guys are totally useless. Boss said to report anyone to ME." He remarked, frowning at the two twins. Both were holding their faces, bruised from Edward's reaction to be called *cough* short *cough cough*. Then he examined Ed. "Huh, another blonde person. We don't get many blondes around here, so you must be an outsider. And a short one at that-"

"DON'T CALL ME SHORT!" *whack, punch, crack, smack*

"Okay okay! get offa me!" The rabbit man shoved the enraged Edward off, and dusted off his jacket. Scowling, he pulled out his gun. "Oh well. Your too pissy anyway. One more dead guy won't mean a thing." then he smiled. "I've been dying to try out this gun. Let's see how badly it blows you up." and he pulled the trigger. The gun blasted a shot and it slammed into Ed's right arm (I hope i got that right). The force slammed Edward back a couple feet into a tree.

"Boo! Blond Chicky Rabbit SUCKS!" the twins jeered. "We wanted to kill the little blondie!"

Edward staggered up, slightly dazed from the impact. Doing his trademark "pull-off-the-coat-and-reveal-my-buffness-and-metal-arm" thing, he said:

"Don't. Call. Me. LITTLE!"

The three really violent people gasped. "What the fuck?" The rabbit said. "His arm is made of fucking METAL!"

Well, thats all he could get out before Edward fell on him, fists flying and flailing.

STORY END

Kai: Hahaha now we're just following the Heart No Kuni No Alice storyline, but with Ed's influence, its turning out pretty cool. I like how they keep calling him little...

Ed: DON'T CALL ME LITTLE!


	3. Chapter 3: Mafia Bosses and Kisses

Kai: Sorreh about the slow update! Social problems and crap at school kept me from typing worth CRAP. Yui's with an uncle so I will be able to type this in peace. **cellphone rings** Huh? Hello?

Yui (on phone): YOU DICK YOU BETTER NOT BE TYPING FANFICTION WITHOUT MEH!

Kai: Erm…..im totally not. I promise. Uh oh! Phones running out of battery! So sorry I have to hang- **hangs up abruptly**. Phew….that was close. But anyway, check out the blog .com…yada yada and now lets continue!

STORY START!

Edward was in berserk mode. Nothing got through to him except the words "Short", "Little", or "Small". Which didn't help very much when the twins kept saying "Get off little blondie boy!" or when Elliot March kept saying "Damn you're so short how can you punch so hard?"

Finally, after the twins restrained his arms and Elliot managed to grab his legs, Edward calmed down.

Elliot scowled. "What the fuck was that for?" His hand gripped his gun and he kept a safe distance. "It's not like we tried to fucking kill you or something…."

Edward twitched. "YOU DID TRY TO KILL ME YOU DUMBASS!"

Elliot looked at the sky for a moment, pondering. "Huh, I did, didn't i?" he shrugged. "All I wanted to do was try out my new gun a lit-"

"Well well, looks like you maggots found a new way to slack off!" A smooth voice cut in before Elliot could finish, which probably saved his life. In strode a man with a clean white tux, wearing a black top hat with roses wound in the band. He had a cane, which Edward noticed looked very expensive.

The twins abruptly dropped Ed on the floor and stood up straight, and Elliot stiffened. Ed cursed and got to his feet. The man glanced at Ed, then continued to glare at the three others. "I've told you two," he said, jabbing his fingers at the twins. "to report any intrusions to carrot-head here. And you!" now pointing at Elliot, "I told you to tell me if they found someone. NOT try to kill them -.-"

Edward raised his eyebrow. "Wait, so you're the owner of this place?"

The well suited man chuckled. "Well duh, im the only one wearing a sexy suit."

**ehhhh…..he's full of himself….** Edward thought.

"Anyway, you must be an outsider." The well-dressed man continued. "My name is Blood Dupree, and I am a mafia boss."

**A mafia boss?** Edward gulped. "Uh yeah, my name is Edward."

The man, Blood, held out his hand. Ed grasped it, ready to shake it when Blood brought it to his lips and kissed the back of his hand. "It is a pleasure to meet you Edward. And I hope you enjoy your stay."

In shock, Edward ripped his hand out from Bloods grasp and ran off, stumbling and blushing heavily.

And Edward realized, with fear, that he slightly enjoyed that.

CHAPTER END

Kai: Okay, sorry for the no updates…..Review and everything. Okay?

Ed: I am not gay, I am not gay…..

Kai: I feel your pain. **sympathetic glance**

_Review and such! All reviews donate money to Ed so he can repair his automail! XD_


	4. Chapter 4 The Clocktower

Kai: Hey everyone!

Yui: Hi!

Kai: Hey, how you doing?

Yui: Good? Kay then it's gonna get even better!

Kai: You see, we've finally had the drive to make the next chapter of "Edward in Wonderland" and fufill you guy's fantasies.

Yui: All of us who are familiar with "Heart no Kuni no Alice" know that any outsider has all the inhabitants of Wonderland fall in love with them. In the original, that was Alice.

Kai: In ours, it's Ed.

Ed: WHY DO YOU KEEP MAKING ME GAY?

Kai: 'Cause it's fu~un….

Yui: And all the fangirls love it.

Ed: SO?

Yui: So we're gonna continue doing it.

Kai: We'd better start before Ed runs away. We don't wanna have to resort to tying him down again….

Yui: True true….

Kai: And since one FMA character isn't enough, we're throwing Envy in there too, since he's our favorite.

Yui + All the Fangirls: YES! W00T!

Envy: You guys love me too much.

Kai: Yeah….but you like the attention don't you?

Envy: **reads "****Heart no Kuni no Alice****"** hey, I'm allowed to kill everyone in this manga! That's so cool! ^^

Kai: Yup. You can kill that bastard Peter White for us. I don't think anyone liked that abusing douche since he kept Alice away from Boris.

Yui: Bor~is! 3

Envy: Kay, I'll look out for him…

Kai: **pets** good Envy.

CHAPTER START

Edward was out of breath by the time he reached the place he came here from, falling from above. Reaching the tree, he noticed there was a large clocktower nearby. _Strange_, he thought. He didn't remember it. But perhaps there were some _sane_ people there.

Walking into the dark tower, he clenched his fists. The shadows here were just too dark and too able to hide someone for his comfort level. His footsteps echoed along the hall, a muffled _clop clop clop_ sound.

Suddenly, he felt a presence behind him. Someone tall. Turning around and swinging his automail fist at the person, he met the persons chest with a satisfying _thump!_

"What the- Hey! What do you think your doing?" A tall, lanky figure exclaimed. Long dark hair in a ponytail and glasses and a cross expression as well as a fancy suit adorned with a clock, he was knocked back a little, but recovered quickly. Sighing with exasperation, he grabbed a wrench from a nearby table, muttering "That's another idiot in my home. Lord forgive whatever I've done to earn this unexpected visit. And this one-" he raised the wrench.

The wrench turned into a handgun.

"This one is just plain _RUDE!_" he shouted and fired.

The bullet flew past Edward's head, a close call. The passing projectile caused a noise that deafened Edward a bit, and shocked him into standing still.

The man rolled his eyes and turned the gun back into a wrench. Putting the wrench down he said angrily:

"You walk into someone's home, creeping around like a robber, and then when they come to ask you what you're doing, you attack them? What are you, a cretin?"

Edward, embarrassed, looked at the ground and mumbled "Sorry. I'm not used to sane people around here. I just ran into some mafia boss and a trio of murderers…."

"You ran into BLOOD?" He asked. "Well then I don't blame you for reacting that way, but still, it's quite insulting if you label everyone that way based on only a few people." He sighed, and poured a pair of cups of coffee. "You're the second outsider today. And outsiders are _rarely_ seen around here. As in maybe one every two decades." The man ran a hand through his hair and took off his glasses. Beginning to polish them, he continued, "Having an outsider is damned limiting on me and my work. Besides, I might as well become babysitter for all the litte outsiders-"

"L-l-little?" Edward began, but an incredibly paralyzing glare from the man cut him off.

"My name is Julius. And I live in here, the Clock Tower Plaza. It's the only neutral zone here, as the other zones are always at war over territory.

"War? Zones?" Edward asked in confusion.

"There are four zones." Julius explained. "There's the clock tower plaza, here of course, and then the hatter's mansion. That is where Blood resides."

"Blood? You mean the mafia guy?"

"Of course. And then there's the Heart Castle. That's pretty much all of the queendom's territory. And then there's the amusement park."

Edward was confused. "Amusement park? I can understand the Mafia and the Queendom being at war, but an Amusement Park as well?"

Julius ran a hand through his hair. "Yes, it's quite confusing really. The Hatters and the Amusement Park people really don't like each other. They're constantly at war over territory. And the Queen just likes cutting peoples heads off."

"Ehhh…" Edward trembled. "Heads off?"

"Yeah.."

Ed yawned, weary from his encounter with Blood and his minions, and asked Julius for a bed. Julius led him to a bedroom, after grumbling about ingrates that attacked people and demanded a place to sleep. And so Ed slept, at peace for the first time in awhile.

~Hatter's Mansion~

"Hey Blood, you know that outsider?"

Blood the mafia boss looked up from his cup of black tea, slightly annoyed that his golden eared bunny servant was still asking about him. "Yes, what is it? If it's nothing significant, then get back to work."

Elliot March looked uncomfortably at his boot clad feet. "Um, I was just wondering…."

Blood narrowed his eyes in impatience. "Yeeessss…..?"

Any courage Elliot managed to muster drained out of him and flew over the rainbow at this point. "Ehh….I was just wondering, the way he ran, that Edward guy? He was running toward the plaza…."

Blood sighed. "So you've been thinking of totally useless thoughts instead of focusing on your work? Wow, what do you need to get your ass in gear, a demotion? I can make you the twins personal butler for a week. God knows it'll help me get them off my back."

All the color drained out of Elliot's face. Stuttering, he walked out. "Y-y-yes B-b-b-blood-d-d….I'll g-g-get t-to work…"

As Elliot left, closing the door, Blood's shoulders slumped and he sighed. He disliked outsiders. No, he DESPISED them. They came along and ruined the normality he came to enjoy.

He hated it even more when it was a guy. It was bad enough having everyone involuntarily falling in love with some clueless, ditzy girl, but making everyone GAY?

That was unacceptable.

As Blood pondered, the twins played in their room, using knives as "airplanes" and guns as "cars". They laughed cheerfully, chatting aimlessly about the days events.

"I hope we get to see little short blondie boy later!" One said.

"Yeah! And then we could play!" the other replied.

Julius almost smiled. He wished, one day, he could be innocent like that.

Meanwhile, he had the "Ed" problem. Perhaps it'd be better to just kill him. Then everything could go to normal.

Yes, he decided. It'd be best if Edward were just removed from the equation.

And he laughed loudly as he placed his cup down. The twins stopped chatting, curious of what put their boss in such a good mood. Elliot stopped weeding the garden, fear growing in his heart.

Because an amused mafia boss is a deadly one.

STORY END

Kai: Ed! RUUUUUUUN!

Ed: Why?

Blood: **sneaks in bushes with gun**

Kai: **notices** I SAID RUUNN YOU MIDGET SONOFABITCH!

Ed: **twitch** What…..did you call me?

Kai: **sticks tongue out and runs**

Ed: YOU COME BACK HERE! DIEEEEE! **Chases**

Yui: Phew, im glad we got him away.

Blood: Dammit.

~PLEASE REVIEW! ALL REVIEWS DONATE MONEY TO THE HATTERS TEA BUDGET! ^^~

Blood: Damn straight. You guys better donate some cash.

Elliot: Great, Just what we need, more tea. Why can't we get pay raises?

Blood: Cause you dumbasses slack off and don't do anything?

Kai: Now now, let's not bicker. You can split the profits 50/50.

Blood: **glare** now who died and made you mafia boss?

Elliot: **raises hand** I like that idea.

Blood: **smacks Elliot** No.

Kai: Whatever. Just suggesting ideas.

Ed: GOTCHA! **jumps on Kai**

Kai: GAAAHHH!


End file.
